Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore—
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”
My friend’s inspired artwork.
AU: Austin&Ally is not a Disney show- in which Austin is mad at Ally for sleeping with Dallas, even though they are technically not dating.
Life follows a rhythmic pattern; years divided down into weeks, into days, into hours, into minutes, seconds that define who we are and the decisions we make all out of a construction of the human condition. All we do is live to discover and explain things, to give meaning to the unexplained and how it interacts solely within our perception, or for the superegos out there, how it affects other people and even the entire world.
I don’t personally view myself as heliocentric in my own universe, but this post is.
The second and minutes have added up and I’m about to count on one hand the days until I leave for college. Being nine hours away, the intimidation is quite frightening, but so much has happened to fuel this departure that I’ll almost be going without a glance to what I’ll leave behind.
I have amazing friends, so much better than I deserve, really. Surrounding me is a wonderful family and wonderful pets, but when it comes to the one thing human condition attempts to define, but cannot at the same time…is love.
Of course we all want that special someone to think about before we go to sleep, or that thought in our mind when we listen to “All of Me” or “I Think About You” (for you Austin and Ally fans out there). While I don’t want that to be the core of my destinations, it plays a large role in life and it’s one of those things that just can’t be ignored.
For me, my roads and opportunities haven’t been the smoothest, in all honesty. My last relationship was entirely predicted to fail in a certain manner, and in a slightly surprising way, it collapsed just how I thought it would. It was one of those blind leaps, the ones you know will just not work out, but you take a chance anyways. The thing of it was…it was never worth it. The destruction the tornado of a confrontation left behind could have been avoided if it never would have been given life in the first place. Of course, some memories would validate why it should have been, but so many friendships were torn apart and excommunicated that it all would have been saved had we not had been selfish with ourselves. And to be honest, the companionship I would have gained in a strictly platonic manner would have been so much more rewarding than a forced connection that I had to continuously question and talk myself into. He was the first and only person I had ever met my age who I could connect with on an intellectual level, and when I feel the desire to talk about the classes I’m going to take and my fears and hopes about them, yea, he crosses my mind to be the one I would call…and I have a feeling he feels a void in having that person for him as well.
But it wasn’t the love I wanted, or really “love” at all. It wasn’t passionate or the type you would go screaming at the tops of rooftops for.
There was one, though.
He has been the epitome of a selfless love for me, The one who I knew, given the chance, that it would work out. Have you ever fallen in love with an idea? The voice of reason at 2 a.m., discussing nothing but memories and dreams and how it would be if it were us. I met that toxic mindset once, and it was beautiful to me.
I never felt the touch of his hand against mine or the way it would feel to kiss him, but I imagined the chemistry of those couples on movies, who just saw each other and knew. I truly thought I did. Months and months I spent longing for just a chance at this euphoria of an idea…but it never came. I wanted him for so long, not for the way he looked, but for the questions he would ask me and the vulnerability of the things he would tell me. How he cared about my future almost as much as I did, how I could discuss simple things with him and we could go on for hours creating ideas and theories from such intricate news and book titles. I could have listened to his voice all day. He made me feel proud and beautiful to be me, because I was intelligent and pretty in his eyes…
But he chose someone else.
The one who I had thought, within the chambers of my heart. that he could have been “the one”…went for someone almost totally different from me. Maybe I should have saw it coming, or maybe I was blinded by some idea of a “perfect” match to see the logic behind it. How could I have been in love with someone who I was never with?
Even now, I feel foolish admitting that and foolish that it still bothers me and even more foolish that it’s the thing that haunts me the most, but I read something by Taylor Swift today that put things into perspective for me:
“I think unrequited love is just as valid as any other kind…it’s just as crushing and just as thrilling. [It] is selfless and beautiful and kind. You are loving someone purely because you love them, not because you think you’ll ever have your affections reciprocated. You are admiring something for its beauty, without needing to own it. Feel good about being the kind of person who loves selflessly. I think, someday, you’ll find someone who loves you in that exact same way.”
Being the optimist that I am, I know it will all make sense and be joyous and perfect to me. It’s not a thing to rush or to fabricate, but something worth waiting on.
Now that I have this clean slate before me, I am prepared for the challenges ahead, for all the new things I will learn, for proving that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to…
And to love fearlessly, no matter the past or the obstacles ahead.